


why would a star ever be afraid of the dark

by voidofthestars



Series: friends in the face of nightmares [2]
Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: (lbr thats what they are), Daddy Issues, Fabians friends love and care about him but he just wont see it, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Impostor Syndrome, Inferiority Complex, Minor Body Horror, Nightmares, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Tags May Change, oof where to start, pre sophomore year, probably the summer after freshman year, wow fabians mom kinda sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:46:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21577036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidofthestars/pseuds/voidofthestars
Summary: Your name is FABIAN ARAMAIS SEACASTER and you, contrary to your friends opinions (that they need to keep themselves!!) are FINE and 100% NOT SAD, DEPRESSED OR DAMAGED IN ANY WAY, Thank You Very Much Fig!-or a slight look in a pre sophomore year fabian
Relationships: Fabian Aramais Seacaster & Bill Seacaster
Series: friends in the face of nightmares [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1564951
Comments: 10
Kudos: 47





	why would a star ever be afraid of the dark

**Author's Note:**

> okay so last weeks episode happened while i was going thro my own bout of impostor syndrome + depression + other nonsense and fabian happened to have gone thro That so he became the perfect scapegoat like hey im gonna project my dumbshit on u lmao
> 
> title from scared of the dark from into the spider verse sound track  
> i have a fabian playlist here https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3lmGoqtmhGQg48d6cnzS5l

Your name is FABIAN ARAMAIS SEACASTER and you, contrary to your friends' opinions (that they need to keep themselves!!) are FINE and 100% NOT SAD, DEPRESSED OR DAMAGED IN ANY WAY, Thank You Very Much Fig! 

Anyway. You're fine. You're a Seacaster! They're GREAT and ALWAYS perfectly fine and that's really all there is to say on that!

And, well, so what, if maybe you wake up some nights from horrible nightmares, ones where when you plunge your sword into your father's chest, instead of Bill Seacaster dying, he laughs in your face, rips the sword from your hands and stabs you instead with it. And you watch as he tears his arm free and stalks off, the shadow on the ground growing distorted and stretched till it instead is the shape of a dragon and all you hear, even upon waking up with a gasp is Kalvaxus laughing and the screams of your friends as they die.

That's nothing. Everyone occasionally has silly nightmares. 

(Nevermind that yours leave you petrified and shaking, the scar over what remains of your eye aching and burning for most of the day afterward.)

(Your eye burned for at least a month after the funeral.)

So what, if you know, if you've possibly thought about taking your mother's route, drinking and avoiding the world til everything passes you by and finally fucks off and leaves you alone? Every teenager gets that way, wants to shut the world out, it's fine. 

You, to reiterate, Are Perfectly _Fine_. 

But your friends don't seem to agree. Kristen is constantly up your ass about talking to the rest of them about everything, which so isn't your style, even if there was something to talk about, which again there isn't so shut up.

So you killed your dad because you weren't good enough to get that stupid log off of you after Dayne fucking cut out your eye, in your own home no less! 

And because you weren't enough, it meant your dad was dealing with those fucking Harvestmen alone, which meant he was injured so badly which left you the only option he gave you. Granted you did get to save and also help wake up your mother, but now she was hooking up with Gilear of all fucking people, and all because you were too fucking weak to get to his side quickly, where you should have been if you had truly been a good son.

(you're fine you're fine you're fine everything is perfectly fine remember you are fine Seacasters don't freak out like this get your shit together Fabian)

So here's the thing, you love your friends. You do. And not just because they love you back pretty much unconditionally without you buying things all the time for them, but because they were some of the first people to like you because you were Fabian and not just because you were a Seacaster. 

They love you because you, (not that you would ever actually tell them) would lay down your life for them and they the same in return.

But! As much as they are your friends they really need to get off your dick about your feelings. You grew up knowing one day you would kill your dad and that's exactly what you did. 

It doesn't matter that waking up some mornings, waking up and getting up and going to school and being around your friends feels fucking impossible, feels like there's a chunk of steel settled around your heart, concrete around your ankles keeping you in place. 

It doesn't matter that sometimes, even in the middle of laughing and carrying on with everyone, a wave of sadness can come along and sweep you off your feet and pull you under, leaving you feeling like a fraud in your own skin.

And you feel like a full-on asshole because it's not like your friends are free of their own traumas, but you never see it actually affecting them, unlike you. 

Gorgug fucking died the first day of school, Kristen died TWICE, plus found out she was to have been what kickstarted an apocalypse and lost her religion and family in one fell swoop, Fig's dad was trapped in a ruby for most of her life, oh and she had to come to terms with not actually being an elf but a tiefling.

Adaine's entire family abandoned her here in a country far from her homeland, ignored and belittled her both in turn for her illness, her own sister was on the side of Kalvaxus just for apparent shits and giggles, not to mention she killed the lunch lady the first day with a fucking ladle. 

And then, last but far from least, The Ball. 

(in the privacy of your own head you can probably get away with calling him Riz. hell if it wasn't for the image you have to maintain you would probably call him that out loud. something in your stomach twists, imagining the look on his face if you ever did)

Riz and his hard-working barely home single mom, and his old friend who had up and disappeared, a deceased father with a history shrouded in mystery, being the quote-unquote weird kid all on top of being an already socially stigmatized race as a goblin. He got trapped in a palimpsest and at the end of prom found out his father had been eaten by Kalvaxus.

All of their traumas and the things they all went through, and you have the audacity to try and compare yourself to them? 

Oh, poor little Fabian, rich and pretty and popular, with the maids and servants catering to your every whim. With his hot mom and rich dad who just bought him whatever the fuck he wanted, even a place on the high school sports team. 

So what if your mother spent a large portion of your life drunk or high or just not there, and if your dad thought the best way to raise his son was by demanding ridiculously higher and higher standards of what you should have had accomplished and constantly comparing the two of you and having you fall short every time? Or that half the time when you're with friends your brain runs a constant track of "you're not good enough to even be here, the only reason they give a damn is because of your money, why do they put up with you it's not like you're useful."

You had two parents who loved you, and gave a damn about you, regardless of the other shit that came with the name Seacaster like upholding a pirate legacy that you're not even sure you want.

So yeah between nightmares of your father's half living corpse mocking you for failing everyone from your family to your friends and the ones of everyone abandoning you for being useless and the ones of Kalvaxus eating your goddamn friends because you're a weak piece of shit who's never going to be anything even close to your father. 

But hey, what does it matter? You are Fabian Amarais Fucking Seacaster, and you have never been more perfectly fine in your entire goddamn life, and fuck anyone who says otherwise.

**Author's Note:**

> idk how i feel about this, it feels weird n disconnected (which yeah its kinda supposed to). but hm  
> follow me on tumblr @voidofthestars.tumblr.com
> 
> ill fix formatting later, add italics where they need to be too


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